1. What is a bed bug?

A bed bug is a small nocturnal insect which feeds on the blood of humans and other warm-blooded hosts. They are a reddish-brown colour and their shape is flat and oval. Their fangs induce numbness in the area they’re feeding on, so you might not be able to detect them until it’s too late.

2. What do you mean “until it’s too late”?

This happens pretty rarely and it’s barely worth mentioning, but you should probably still know that there have been some reported cases — again not that many — of urethral burrowing in some hosts.

3. What the hell is that?

It’s exactly what it sounds like.

4. It sounds like a bed bug is going to burrow into my penis hole. Is that what you mean?

No that’s not what I mean.

5. Oh thank God.

They travel in packs, so it won’t be a single one. Probably five or six.

6. Jesus Christ! What am I supposed to do?

Just calm down. I knew I shouldn’t have told you. Like I said, this barely ever happens. The only people who get “dick divers” are those who get them from used Banlon pants.

7. “Dick divers”?! Is that supposed to be cute?!

I also call them “Charles Bronsons.”

8. I just bought a pair of Banlon pants last week! What happens if they get in there?

Okay, you have to promise not to freak out, but your penis is going to grow three to four inches.

9. Awesome!

Then explode.

10. FUCK!

You promised you wouldn’t freak out.

11. Oh, I’m sorry if I don’t retain my composure as I find out my dick is going to blow up! What can I do to stop this?

Alright, this worked for a friend of mine, but no guarantees. Bed bugs are easily irritated by certain chemicals. What you want to do is take a condom and fill the reservoir tip with dry chili pepper seeds and put it on. I call it the “Charles Bronson.”

12. I thought the bed begs were called Charles Bronsons?

Yeah, but that’s Charles Bronson from The Great Escape. This is Charles Bronson from Once Upon a Time in the West.

13. When does Charles Bronson put on chili-filled condom in Once Upon a Time in the West?

He doesn’t do it in the movie. He put one on before every take. That’s how he got into character. It’s like Marlon Brando with the cotton balls in The Godfather.

14. That’s the most retarded thing I’ve ever heard…but will it keep my dick from exploding?

Absolutely.

15. Fine. When is this recital supposed to be over?

I don’t know. Maybe another twenty minutes.

16. Which one’s your daughter?

The one at the end of the line without a tutu. We forgot it this morning at home. She almost refused to go on.

17. Kids. What are you going to do, right?

Yeah, but these are the moments we’ll really cherish.