It’s cavity season again. Very few people know that cavity season comes in the spring when people start going outside again and forget to brush their teeth because fuck that I’m going rollerblading. So your chair is always occupied with patients. Patients and their orgasms.  

You’ll ask your clients what an orgasm feels like. Sometimes you’ll ask them to draw a picture of what it feels like or make you a sandwich of what it feels like. Very few of them like doing this but you’re an excellent dentist who doesn’t charge that much so they oblige.

“It’s kind of like going really fast on a rollercoaster, down there,” one patient says.

“It’s a Jerry Bruckheimer movie, down there,” another will say.

You’ve never felt a rollercoaster or a Jerry Bruckheimer movie down there, so you’re going to assume you’ve never had a real orgasm. You’ll have tried. Oh God will you have tried. Vibrators of all shapes and ethnicities. G-spot seminars. Hand mirrors in airplane bathrooms. Nothing worked.

This is an obvious problem when it comes to relationships. You’ll refuse to please someone until you can please yourself. You can’t go on a date without your mind fixating on that nudity and mature themes moment when you’ll face that wall. You can’t face that wall again.

You’ll phone your mother after another disastrous date.

“Have you tried that new vibrator I sent you sweetie? The one with that extra piece?”

You will have and it will not have worked.

“Did you try watching a Jerry Bruckheimer movie to set the mood? Your mood is everything sweetie.  I used to be so anxious about everything, down there. But then I met your mother and she made me feel so natural with all her touching and Jerry Bruckheimer movies. I had my first orgasm with her and Days of Thunder.”

You’ll be jealous of your mothers. You’ll thank your egg mother and tell her to say hi to your non-egg mother, who you’ll have difficulty relating to because you didn’t grow up to be a lesbian. That kind of thing was important to her.

She’d also wanted a daughter. But they got you instead. It’s a little cruel that they never told you how a penis works.