Try the furry one with the chinstrap. Push it forward. Don’t make that face. I know what that face means.

The rebels are gathering in the hills and the people and leaving the city to join them, all because you think you look terrible in hats and refuse to wear one.

Forget that one. What about the one with the medals on it? Too much? What I need from you right now is feedback and you’re not giving it.

Dictators wear hats. I don’t know why you’re so resistant to this. Sometimes they don’t wear hats, yes. But that’s casual dictator. Business dictator, battle dictator, purge dictator: these dictators wear hats.

You need some sort of headgear, anything. I’d settle for a helmet at this point. You say you don’t need anything on your head because you’re the Supreme Commander and no one tells you what to do. You may be able to rewrite our laws, but you can’t rewrite the laws of fashion, so try on the round one and stop pouting.

What’s worse is that you’ve banned all forms of headgear. You know who needs to wear things on their heads? Firemen, police, soldiers. A cop tells me to move my car, my first thought is “Where’s your hat Steve? You can’t tell me what to do.” It’s chaos out there.

Let me boil it down for you: put on a hat or the regime will fall. The rebels have glorious stuff on their heads: native scarves, camo caps, you name it. They will take the city if you can’t get over this.

I’m told the rebels have come through the palace walls. Reports of insurrectional headgear are rampant. The people are joining them, fashioning hats out of whatever comes to hand.

At this point you have two choices: choose a hat that you think doesn’t make your head look fat or face the mob. I’m done coddling you. Do you want to be lynched and have your bloody corpse dragged around town and pissed on by old women? Then put on this feathery thing, grab that gun and let’s take back the country.