You worked in the accounting department at a construction department. The construction company was run by the Bellini crime family. You were perfectly happy with that. They paid well and on time. There were always pleasant-looking prostitutes around. And they said you were part of the family which made you feel nice because you were orphaned at 47 when your mother passed away after a short battle with a tiger.

But the feds started closing in and eventually they came to you. You were in line for coffee. An agent pulled up on a bicycle built for two and told you to hop on.

The rest of the afternoon was a delight. You biked along the canal and through the old part of town. You stopped for lunch at a cafe by the river. Slightly drunk, you made love in an elementary school playground. She then asked you to rat on the Bellinis.

“I couldn’t,” you said, pulling woodchips out of your underpants.

“You will if you love me,” she said, putting more woodchips in your underpants.

You didn’t love her and this was crazy. SHE was crazy. There was a game of dodgeball being played fifteen feet away. But you agreed because she threatened to tell your wife. You weren’t married, but you could tell she was serious.

You snitched. Everyone went to jail.

The feds put you in the witness protection program. They moved you to Seattle. You’ll look forward to returning to accounting, but they’ll make you a stuntman.

“We put a lot of money into movies featuring robots and the American military. Most of crew on these movies is in witness protection.”

“Why can’t I just be an accountant for one of these movies then?” you’ll ask, putting on your flame retardant jacket.

“It’s too obvious. The Bellinis will be looking for you.”

This will go on for years. Eventually the Bellinis will find you when a poorly-edited action scene involving robots and the American military will clearly show your face. The Bellinis will drown you in your own toilet. They’ll also discover that the movie crew is also in the witness protection program. The feds will be forced to shut down the whole operation.

This is really a story about why there are no more Transformers movies.

YOU’RE THE STUNTMAN IN WITNESS PROTECTION!