You're asking yourselves "Holy hell, I need to be a part of this. I've got a handgun and a mask. What do I do?" First, put the handgun and the mask away. When we get the proper funding for a militia, you can bring them out again. For the moment, you can submit your writing to the House of Carlyle.

Prose

We're very open to most anything. We really mean it. We're not the kind of girl who says that, then when things get a little "real" we start screaming, push open the coffin, and ruin the whole sex seance. We only ask that you keep the length reasonable (say less than 1000 words, maybe around 750). 

Poetry

Similarly, let loose. Really dig deep. Go down the funny mine. But God help you if you send in a poem about your feelings. Oh man, that thing will get circulated around the office faster than your father leaving when your were 6. Similar length stipulations as prose apply. 

Lists

You know what? It's your birthday. Go for it. 

Other

Your piece doesn't fit into any of the above? Don't worry about it. If you think you can sell it to us, then go right ahead. By "sell" we of course do not mean to imply that you'll be paid for your work. We might start paying once that Nigerian prince gets his diamonds out his country and gives us our ten percent, but not before then.   

Stuff that makes us go "nish"

You may have thought that you had detected a pattern here. You were all like "These guys will take anything. They're the aging pornstars of online humour." Wrong, fuckface. Like an aging pornstar, we know what we like and how we like it. Unlike an aging pornstar, we only occasionally wear diapers. Fake news items, videos, and stuff that makes us make a weird face aren't likely to find their way onto the site.  

How to Submit

Send all submissions to submissions@houseofcarlyle.com. Paste your submission into the body of an e-mail with the title of the piece, your name, phone number, and contact e-mail at the top. See below:

  • That thing that happened that time [Title]
  • by Felix St-Felix [Name]
  • 555-555-5555 [Phone number]
  • stuff@stuff.ca [E-mail]

We prefer previously unpublished material as it saves us from calling up the lawyers and discussing things like serial rights and large, unpaid legal bills. If the thing is blisteringly brilliant, though, I will make that call for you. This once. Because I like you. That way.