The House of Carlyle


You’re The Dictator Who Thinks He Looks Terrible In Hats

Try the furry one with the chinstrap. Push it forward. Don’t make that face. I know what that face means. The rebels are gathering in the hills and the people and leaving the city to join them, all because you think you look terrible in…


You’re The Amish Hot Tub Salesman

You run your fingers just above the warm bubbling surface, but you don’t dare put your hand in. That pleasure is not meant for you. “What can you tell us about this one?” the sinful sinful sinful inter-racial couple will ask you. “This is a…


You’re The Arsonist Architect

Design. Build. Burn. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Design a 72 storey mixed-use tower downtown. Make the first 12 floors commercial leasing space with an exciting expansive entrance and grand English cathedral-style atrium. Have all the luxury designers beg for space in your masterpiece. Give Louboutin a kiosque…


You’re The Dentist Who Has Never Had An Orgasm

It’s cavity season again. Very few people know that cavity season comes in the spring when people start going outside again and forget to brush their teeth because fuck that I’m going rollerblading. So your chair is always occupied with patients. Patients and their orgasms….


You’re The Stuntman In Witness Protection

You worked in the accounting department at a construction department. The construction company was run by the Bellini crime family. You were perfectly happy with that. They paid well and on time. There were always pleasant-looking prostitutes around. And they said you were part of the family…


You’re The Suicide Note Ghostwriter

You tried to kill yourself once by swallowing a bottle of pills. You’re terrible at swallowing pills so you had to crush them one by one and take them with a spoonful of jam. After four or five spoonfuls the jam started to make you feel…